Updated: Apr 12
"If your life is filled with negativity and negative people, you can not open a flow of positivity into your life to create your dream life. Therefore you need to become incredibly clear about who and what you let into your life.''
Why set clear boundaries?
Are you surrounded with people who don’t value you or leave you feeling drained? Do you have a hard time saying no to favors or attending events you’d rather not go to? Do you often experience uncomfortable situations that leave you feeling trapped? Are you keeping a job you dislike? Do you find it hard ending chaotic relationships? Do you feel it is your duty to help lost souls? Does it feel like people sometimes take advantage of you?
It is said: “If you don’t close one door, you can not open another”. If your life is filled with negativity and negative people, you can not open a flow of positivity into your life to create your dream life. Therefore you need to become incredibly clear about who and what you let into your life.
By being aware of all the avenues through which negativity enters your life you will experience great relief.
Having good boundaries is the art of blocking negativity from entering into your life.
How to master this?
Imagine yourself as a traffic officer (or a boundaries officer). When you encounter a negative situation or person, you must say: “NO!” And you lift up your red STOP sign. When someone uplifts you and raises your vibration or a wonderful opportunity arrises, you smile and make a hand gesture to welcome it in.
Choosing what you allow in is your primary job. First, we do this with our thought processes and emotions, then with relationships and all the decisions and events that make up our daily lives.
As we clear our lives from negativity, we make room for infinite possibilities. We weed out our garden to make room for love, beauty, abundance, peace and harmony to blossom.
Do yourself a favor, become a magnet for positivity and positive people. Become a magnet for joy, abundance and infinite blessings. Become determined to focus on positivity, gratefulness and nurturing yourself from the inside.
Setting boundaries is the basis of self-respect
We teach people how to treat us. People will only respect us if we respect ourselves.
If you don’t have clear boundaries, you may experience one or more of the following:
-You may become subject to mental, emotional or physical abuse
-You may attract narcissistic or egotistical type personalities
-You may have a savior complex and feel attracted to wounded people who can not seem to love you the way you deserve to be loved.
-You may be easily targeted by manipulators of all sorts who play on your heart strings and weaknesses to obtain your favors.
-People may tend to take advantage of you and your time. After all you rarely say no…
Why do we allow these toxic behaviors to continue?
You may be mimicking toxic relationship patterns you learned when you were young.
We may do this as it is the only example we’ve known. This causes us to resist moving past our unhealthy comfort zones. The rewards you’ll get if you work over that hump are huge. You deserve better!
You have not learned to become a deliberate creator. You might believe your destiny is predetermined and that whatever shows up in your life is intended for you. In a way it is! But not for the reason you might think. Life creates situations to see if we have learned our lessons. Negative patterns will tend to repeat themselves until we learn to stop them. What you believe you deserve is the blueprint of what you will create. It’s time to choose what you create and prepare favorable grounds to allow it into your life.
You may lack self-confidence and suffer feelings of unworthiness. You feel you don’t deserve better (a better job, friends that uplift you, your dream partner…). You give too much in order to justify your worth or to gain someone’s love. You are afraid to end up alone so you settle for people that throw you off balance. You suffer from rejection or abandonment issues.
If you understood the negative cycle you keep perpetuating, you would prefer being alone to settling for unhealthy situations and relationships. Law of attraction says that the frequency you emit is what you attract and if you settle for people who drain you, take advantage of you and do not value you, essentially you are telling the universe that this is what you deserve. You can not attract better scenarios from that point of attraction. It is true that you can not love someone else if you do not love yourself. Once you choose self-love and self-respect, you might find yourself alone as you’ve now removed negativity from your life. This lonely season is necessary to sow the seeds for better days. Spend this time improving and nurturing yourself with a self love practice (meditation, gratitude journal, going inward, creating, visualization, doing shadow work, learning something new, pampering yourself…)
As you learn to value yourself and invest in yourself, in time you will begin to attract wonderful people that add value to your life and circumstances that feel more aligned.
-You might be afraid of hurting others. Learn one magical word: “NO!” Your inner guidance system is telling you to walk away when you feel bad. You need to be more assertive and walk into your power! Every time you let someone drain you or drag your vibration down you can no longer be the light that you are meant to be in the world. Your job is to protect this light at all cost and not let it dim. This is how you change the world, by starting with yourself. You can either contribute to the world positively or negatively.
When you allow people to dim your light because you are afraid to hurt them or set your limits, you are letting yourself and the rest of the world down. Loose the habit of having to justify yourself. When we are afraid of hurting others we tend to dilute our truth and compromise our integrity. Do you find yourself lying to get yourself out of situations that are unappealing to you? Do you feel the need to provide endless excuses?
When you justify yourself, you give room for people to manipulate you. You appear weak and people can sense that. Learn to keep your answers short: “No thank you! Sorry I can’t. I can’t for personal reasons. I don’t want too. I’m going to skip that but thank you…” People might say: “Oh but why?” They might pressure you, nag you, try to make you feel guilty, etc…Just reply with one last short answer like: “ I’m busy, I just can’t “ If that’s not good enough for them, change the subject or walk away. Don’t give in. If you do, you will just become a pushover. Stand your ground. If you do this, after a while people will learn to respect you and they will respect your boundaries.
Abusers always come back when the dusts settles.
If you managed to find the courage to end an abusive relationship, your abuser might come back under the pretense that he/she has changed. Most of the time it will be a manipulative ploy to get you back and you’ll soon be experiencing more of the same. Don’t fall for the act!
Make a plan ahead of time for how you will handle this possibility and get ready to reinforce your boundaries. If you’re prepared for that possibility it will be easier draw the line.
-You may hold false beliefs: For example, you believe karma has brought you into a difficult relationship to learn something. I assure you that 99% of the time, the only thing you must learn is to walk away when something does not feel good.
-You see yourself as a victim and think your situation is hopeless. Sure you may be in a very tricky situation. An abuser will always pick someone with low self-esteem and weak boundaries because they are easy to manipulate. The stronger your self esteem, the less likely you are to tolerate any form of abuse. Build yourself up, gather your strength and make an exit plan. It is crucial that you seek support from as many sources as possible when you feel your situation is hopeless.
How to create healthy boundaries
-By improving our relationship with ourselves (working on self-love and self-respect).
-By learning to create a healthy balance between giving and taking so we don’t feel depleted, therefore creating a fair exchange of energy.
-By learning to give to those who appreciate and value us (for who we really are, not who they want you to be) and do not take us for granted.
-By understanding that you can not help people who do not want to change. Please do yourself a favor: There are wonderful people out there who are already fixed, so turn your face in their direction and stop torturing yourself and others.
-By acknowledging that you are not helping others by accepting to be disrespected (because by allowing them to perpetuate that behavior you are also encouraging the idea that it’s ok to do so).
-By honoring your inner guidance system. Don’t forget the golden rule: If it feels bad, walk away or say: “No!”
-By walking into your power and reinforcing that “No!”when people want to challenge you.
-By remembering that you are setting the example of what’s acceptable to other people as well. This is especially critical if you have children.
But what do we do when we don’t have a choice to be around negativity?
Maybe one of your relatives is driving you crazy but you don’t want to estrange yourself from your family. You might feel insecure and feel dependent upon someone financially. You might hate your work or it’s environment but feel trapped by your familial responsibilities.
Whatever your situations may be, sometimes we feel trapped with little way out.
What can we do then?
Answering these questions will help you gain clarity:
-How can I make my present situation more comfortable? Could I set firmer boundaries with a coworker who keeps taking advantage of my kindness? Could I start making plans to change my circumstances so I can have something to look forward to?
-What is life trying to teach me from this situation? Often when we are trapped in a situation, the universe is trying to teach us something.
-How can I keep my triggers in check and avoid reactions that will provoke even more negativity? If you know what sets you off, you can prepare yourself mentally to adopt a different attitude when negativity arises.
-How can I visualize and manifest a better outcome? Ex: Before you meet that relative that triggers you, visualize the best outcome or visualize yourself staying at peace in the face of negativity.
-What is my exit plan? Ex: If you have a job you don’t like, you may not be able to leave right away but you should brainstorm a way out.
-Can I choose to feel at peace no matter what others are saying or doing? Practice mindfulness, observe without reacting. Realize that other people’s drama has nothing to do with you. It is a reflection of their own unhealed wounds. You can have compassion for that.
Is everything really as set in stone as I think? Maybe there is a way out but I may be resisting it?
-What can I learn or teach myself that will improve my situation? Can I benefit from shifting my way of looking at this? Can I teach myself a new skill or take a class to help me get a better job? Can I seek out information that will help me cope with my circumstances?
-Where can I seek help to improve my situation? It may be time to get professional counseling.
-Can I reduce the time I spend doing those activities or being with these people? Could I make my visits or calls with a disagreeable family member, less frequent and shorter?
-Could my situation improve if I soften my heart?
If your situations threatens your physical or mental health (or that of your children) please seek immediate help to get you to
get the resources you need to make an exit plan.
Setting boundaries can sound like a very rigid task but once you learn to stand in your power and stop acting from fear you can prove more flexible with the people who love and value you.
Lili Sweet is a spiritual awakening coach,as well as an energy healer.
She enjoys deep conversations, hiking, henna, photography and uncovering life's magic.